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Bridget Kate 2 months 029

Me and Bridget Kate.  Sad Kyle had to be in North Carolina for the holiday 🙁

I am a little late but I have so many thoughts this Easter Season. This time of year holds a lot of memories for me. The twins’ due date was April 4th of 2014.  Right smack dab in the middle of this Easter season, and because of all Easter is about it has caused me to ponder.

Last year at this time, I was really not in a great place.  I was still deep in grief over the loss of our twins and just trying to keep our head above water.  I also wanted so badly to be pregnant.  While we had only tried a few months after losing our twins, it felt like an eternity and I felt that having another baby could help fill the gaping hole in my heart that belonged to Josh and Adelaide.

Now here I am a year later holding my sweet 2 month old baby girl as I type this, and I truly have experienced so much healing.  Bringing her sweet spirit into our home has brought more happiness and love than I ever could have imagined.  She has in many ways filled the emptiness I felt when I came home from the hospital empty-handed almost a year and a half ago, but that gaping hole? It’s still here. It’s not bleeding anymore, and it’s scabbed over and tough and scarred, but it’s still here.

In the same ways that Bridget has filled my heart with happiness, she has also caused a deeper longing for the children I don’t have in my home.  With her I’ve gotten to experience everything I didn’t with the twins.  I’ve gotten to hold her, feel her soft skin, bathe her, feed her, experience her first smiles, watch her little personality start to develop, and so many other wonderful things a first-time mom gets to do, and my love for her continues to grow each and every day as she blossoms into a beautiful child and eventually young woman. I feel so blessed for that opportunity.

As I watch Bridget grow, I can’t help but think back on my other children.  The children whom I love equally, but whom I got only a few hours with.  The ones I never got to see smile, or even cry. Bridget’s newborn photos look so much like her older sister Adelaide’s.  I am so grateful to at least have photos to compare.  I am happy that as Bridget grows up I can catch a glimpse or idea of what Adelaide might have looked like herself.

In tying these thoughts and feelings into the Easter season, I am so grateful that God blessed our family with our little Bridget Kate.  She is more than I could have ever hoped for and my mini pride and joy.  I know there are many who have not yet been blessed with children and after a long high risk pregnancy I count my blessings every day I get to spend with my daughter.  But as much as I hoped it would be, it’s not enough.  There will always be a hole in my heart that belongs to my other two children.  It may be scarred and it may not hurt all the time, but the hole can’t be removed in this life with all the children in the world.

Over 2000 years ago though, Jesus Christ overcame death and was resurrected, and because of that resurrection one day ALL of my children will be resurrected as well.  I know that only through the Savior I will be able to receive all of the blessings that Bridget has brought to our home with Joshua and Adelaide.  I look forward with hope to that day, but also am grateful for everyday here as I wait for all of my family to be together again.

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  1. This brought me to tears. What unique trials and blessings you have endured in a short period of time. We will always remember All of your children and look forward to seeing you all together again. Love you guys.

  2. Amanda, I so appreciate your thoughts on your twins this week. I hadn’t realized that we had important dates so close to each other. We found out that Will had died on April 9 last year, and I delivered on April 12. And with a new baby due to arrive in a couple of weeks I identify with your sentiments. I have experienced some healing, yet the hole from Will is still there and I imagine that my new baby will also make me long for the baby that I didn’t get to know. I’m so happy for you and Kyle, that Bridget is doing well and has brought healing, and I’m sending love.

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