It’s been just over two weeks since we said goodbye to our little ones. I have been doing a lot of thinking and reading and pondering as I try to work through my emotions. I recently read a book that was given to me called “Gone too Soon.” It is a book specifically for those who have lost children. I would highly recommend it to anyone who has experienced the loss of children, and even those around them as it has great insight on how to act around someone who is grieving. This book was helpful as I deal with emotions that I have never felt before. I have never in my life felt that I had any reason to be angry or upset with God. Though my life hasn’t been perfect, I have always felt his hand and have thought that whatever has happened in my life in the past has been for my good. Try as I might, I have a hard time seeing what good has come from this experience. There has been some, I have felt the love of countless people including friends, past friends and acquaintances, family members, co-workers, church leaders, the list goes on and on. In fact, it is all of these people that keep me going. I have felt the prayers of all of these people. I also feel closer to my family and especially my dear husband. I got the opportunity to be a mother and I have two perfect children SOMEWHERE, just not here and now. Other than those things, the only other things I feel like I’ve gotten are pain and sorrow. At times I just want to be upset that God took those children away from me. I feel horrible and guilty for having that thought and for admitting that I have had that thought but I can’t help but feel it. Why would a God who loved me take away 2 of the people I loved most before I even got to know them or see what their little personalities would be like, or see if they had dark or blonde hair, blue or hazel eyes?
The book I read had a special chapter on the special grief a grandparent feels when their child loses a child. It talked about how they are not only mourning the loss of their grandbaby, but they are also suffering watching their child suffer. No parent likes to see their child in pain and I know my parents wanted to take away all of the pain we were feeling when we lost our little ones but they couldn’t. Though I don’t and won’t understand why this had to happen to us, I did gain a little bit of understanding as I applied this same thought to my Heavenly Father. Just like my parents here on earth He is our Father and He doesn’t like seeing us suffer, which is why He sent His son to suffer for us, so that He could take away our pain and our suffering. I also had the thought that children do not always understand that their parents are doing what is best for them. I’ve thought about a story that my parents told me about my childhood. I was always putting my fingers in the outlets and my parents would lightly smack my hand every time to teach me to stop. They didn’t want to hurt me, they were trying to keep me from danger/pain. While I don’t think that Heavenly Father is trying to punish me, I do think that I am no different than I was as a little child and I won’t understand why I have to go through this pain, but if I truly believe that God is our Father and that He loves us than I can trust that for some reason, we needed to have this trial, and it will be for our good in the end.